Setting Realistic Health Expectations
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Sometimes living with an invisible illness feels like a full-time job that you didn't sign up for and you're not getting paid for it. And if there's one thing that can make it even more difficult. Expectations. The expectations that you put on yourself of how you think your life should be, or how you think you should be, the ones others put on you of what they think you should be able to do.
And today we're gonna talk about how to manage those expectations before they take over and they manage you.
Welcome to What The Poop, the podcast where we flush out the realities of living with ulcerative colitis. I'm your host Terry Holland, and after more than three decades of navigating the ups and downs of ulcerative colitis, I'm here to share my experiences. Insights and a little bit of humor to help you through your journey.
In this podcast, we are dishing the scoop on what it really means to live with ulcerative colitis. We'll share stories, tips, and the latest info to help you navigate your journey, [00:01:00] whether you're newly diagnosed. Or you've been battling uc for years. This is your space to find community, laugh at the absurdities, and learn from others who get it.
No topic is off limits, and no question is too awkward. So if you're ready to break the silence and take control over your ulcerative colitis, join me on what the poop, because living with uc doesn't have to be a solo journey.
So let's be honest, when your body doesn't cooperate the way you want it to, expectations can feel like landmines. Maybe you expect to show up at work a hundred percent every day, or maybe you expect yourself to be able to run your business the way you think you should be able to. Maybe your friends expect you to be up for a night out because you don't look sick.
Maybe your family members just expect you to push through and show up at that family dinner, even though you feel like you can't even get dressed that day. Sometimes maybe you even expect yourself to be super [00:02:00] human. Spoiler alert, you're not. None of us are even normal. Healthy people are not super human.
So here's the thing, most of us set the bar way too high for ourselves. Before diagnosis, maybe you were the overachiever, the always on the go person, and then your body threw you a curve ball. And self expectations might sound something like I should be able to do everything I used to. I should be able to work out as hard as I used to.
I should be able to work 12 hours a day. I should be able to show up at events and not let everyone down if I just try harder. I'll keep up with everyone. But the thing is, trying harder isn't gonna fix your inflammation. It's not going to take care of your fatigue. It's not gonna stop the flareup. And in fact, having such high expectations is only gonna create more stress, which we all [00:03:00] know is only going to make flareups worse because this is not how our bodies work.
And beating yourself up when you can't meet those expectations, that just drains whatever little energy you have left. You know, I remember when I was in personal training, and I don't know if you guys even know this about me, but I used to be a personal trainer, so there you go. Uh, I was a personal trainer and when I was in personal training, I thought I should be able to work 12 hour days, 14 hour days.
In my head, I thought that this was fine because I loved what I was doing, and if I wanted to make more money, I had to work more hours. I was trading my time for money, and so if I wanted more money, more hours, and there's only so many hours in a day, so then I found myself taking clients on a weekend, on the occasional Sunday and not just working five days a week, but.
Sometimes six, sometimes seven. Because what's, what's one or [00:04:00] two clients on my day off? Not a big deal, right? But apparently it was a big deal to my body. I thought I should be able to work that hard. And because I had such high expectations of myself, every time I had a flare up, every time I got sick and I had to cancel, I felt like a failure.
And every time I would go back to my doctor with new symptoms, she would say to me, Terry, you have an autoimmune disorder. You can't work as hard as you think you can. But I just kept going back to her looking for another answer, looking for her to find some magic prescription that would make it all better.
And I had to come to terms with the realization that I had to slow down. I had to stop working the way that I was working. It wasn't working for me. Now, looking back, I can see the insanity of my thinking at the time because even a. [00:05:00] Quote unquote, normal, healthy person cannot keep up with those demands, cannot work a physically demanding job, 12, 14 hours a day, six days a week, sometimes seven.
That is insanity for anyone, and so that's what I mean when I talk about. Sometimes maybe we expect ourselves to be super human. Sometimes I think we put expectations on ourselves that a healthy person couldn't even meet. So what do we think we're doing? And maybe it comes from a place of, I need to prove to the world that I'm healthy, so I'm gonna go above and beyond.
I'm gonna be a warrior in this disease. And it's exhausting. It is absolutely exhausting. So the shift is in learning how to set realistic expectations. Now that doesn't mean giving up. It doesn't mean that you stop looking for ways that you can feel better or that you can enjoy life more. It means you gotta respect your body [00:06:00] and it means playing the long game.
So ask yourself, what is doable today and what can wait? You know, one of the gifts of this illness that I have found is that I have become. Excellent at setting time boundaries. I am amazing at time management and I think that's, that is the gift of all ulcerative colitis. I have had to learn to have clear time boundaries and to manage the time that I have and the energy that I have effectively.
So let's talk about the expectations of other people, because sometimes. And in fact, more than often it feels like they just don't get it. They might say things like, but you don't look sick, or, well, you just need to eat better. Or you might hear from your boss, well, can't you just push through it today?
We really need you. And while they might mean, well, their expectations often come from [00:07:00] not understanding what it's like to live in a body that has its own rule book. So what do you do? Well, you set boundaries, you communicate. And you communicate clearly and without apologizing. For example, I would love to come, but I can't commit until I know how I'm feeling that day.
If I cancel, it's not because I don't care, it's because I need to take care of myself. When it comes to your illness, boundaries are not rude. They are survival,
and the truth is that sometimes people. Are not going to respect those boundaries. And sometimes they will keep pushing and keep expecting you to show up and do things that you are just not able to do at that time. And maybe it's time to reevaluate some of those relationships and where they fit into your life.
I'm not saying that you have to cut people out, but I'm also not [00:08:00] not saying that either. 'cause sometimes you need to let relationships go in order to protect your own wellbeing. But the people who do understand and the friends who keep inviting you places, even when you have to keep canceling, those are the good ones.
Those are the ones you keep around. So here's what we can do instead. So instead of trying to meet those unrealistic expectations, we can reframe them. So instead of thinking I should be able to do everything, try changing that to, I'll focus on what's most important today. Instead of telling yourself, they'll be disappointed if they cancel.
Try. I'm honoring my health and the people who care about me will understand instead of I need to give up, try. I'm doing what I can with what I've got, and that's enough. Now, reframing expectations doesn't just magically make the illness [00:09:00] easy, but it gives you back some control. And I know from living with this disease for worth 30 years, I know how much our mindset impacts how we feel.
Now, it might not change your symptoms, but we can change how you feel about your symptoms. We can change your mental state and that can sometimes change everything. So here's the takeaway. Managing expectations isn't about lowering the bar until you are just sitting on the floor. It's about setting the bar where it belongs so that it's in alignment with your body in a way that your mind can actually handle and remember if someone else has a problem with that, well that's their problem.
That is not your problem. Thank you for tuning into another episode of What The Poop. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you're [00:10:00] navigating invisible illness yourself, remember you don't have to meet anyone else's standards. The only expectations that matter are the ones that help you live well.
So until next time, my friends, take care of yourself and take care of your gut.
