Teri Holland (00:02.744)
Have you ever been mentally exhausted? So mentally exhausted that then someone asks you a really simple question and you genuinely want to scream. And it's it's not because you're angry with them, it's not because y they did something wrong, it's just because you cannot make one more decision.
Like, I don't care what we're having for dinner. I don't care where we're ordering from. I don't care what we're watching on Netflix. you could probably just put a bowl of cereal in front of me and tell me it's a five-course meal. And I'd probably just say thank you because I don't want to decide. Because my brain is done. And here's the frustrating part. You might even look back and think, what did I even do today? Maybe you didn't finish your to-do list.
Maybe you didn't get around to that project you promised yourself that you would work on. Maybe you spend half the day bouncing between emails, messages, and little things that need your attention. And with each one of those little things, your energy kept leaking out. And you are exhausted.
So maybe you start to question yourself: Am I lazy? Am I losing my motivation? Am I just not into doing this anymore? Why can't I seem to get all the things done that I want to get done? But here's something for you to consider. Just because you weren't physically doing something doesn't mean you weren't working. Because there is work. There's the work that we do, and there's the work we carry around.
in here, in our heads. And that second kind of work, it can be absolutely exhausting.
Teri Holland (02:00.92)
So today we're going to talk about mental load. Not just what it is, but why so many entrepreneurs end up carrying far more than they realize. Why being the responsible one can become a part of your identity. And what happens when we finally start to put some of that responsibility down? Because here's the thing: just because you're capable of carrying it doesn't mean that it's yours to carry.
And I think that some of us, maybe many of us, need to hear that.
Teri Holland (02:39.03)
Okay, so let's start by talking about what mental load actually is. When we talk about workload, we're usually talking about the things that we can see, what we can measure, how much you achieved, how many meetings do you have, how many clients are you working with? How many projects are on your plate? How many hours are you spending every day in your business? And those are relatively easy things to identify. But mental load is different.
Mental load is the ongoing cognitive work of remembering, planning, anticipating, monitoring, coordinating all the things that need to happen. It's not just sending the email. It's remembering that the email needs to be sent. It's not just following up with people, it's remembering who you need to follow up with and where they are in that sequence.
It's deciding what needs to go into that email. It's figuring out when it needs to be sent, anticipating how that person might respond, and then remembering all the follow-up that needs to come afterwards. It's not just about hosting the event. It's about remembering the venue details, making sure that you've confirmed the reservation, making sure everyone has the information that they need, that the reminder emails have gone out, that the reminder emails were even written to begin with. Wondering whether or not people are going to show up, whethering
Or whether or not you're gonna have any cancellations, checking that the technology works, making sure that you have everything in place that you need for the event, and thinking about the 17 possible things that could go wrong. And even when you're not actively working on those things, some part of your attention may still be occupied by them. And this is especially relevant for entrepreneurs. And I don't like to generalize, but I'm gonna say this is especially, especially relevant for female entrepreneurs.
Because when you run a business, you don't have just a job. You are the marketing department, you're the sales department, you're customer service, you're the financial department, you're the creative director, you're the person who has to figure out why the bloody software isn't working, and you're probably also the person that has to scrub the toilets. And when you're a female business owner, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. And maybe I should look into it a bit more.
Teri Holland (05:00.404)
But I feel like our female brains are wired more to hold this mental load than our male counterparts. And I see this with my husband. I see this with my male friends. I see this with my business partner. I see this in my friends' relationships too with their spouses or their business partners or their male friends. So I don't think it is just all entrepreneurs. I think it is particularly relevant for female entrepreneurs.
And even when you start to outsource all of those things, you might still be the person who's mentally responsible to make sure that they get done, even though someone else is doing it. So you delegate the task, but you're not delegating the responsibility to make sure that it's done. So now instead of doing the work, you're remembering to check if somebody else did the work and if it was good enough, and if they have everything they need in order to do the work. So congratulations.
You outsourced the str. Congratulations. You've outsourced the task, but you kept the stress. And then there's everything that's happening outside the business. There's all your relationship things you need to remember: family responsibilities, household responsibilities. Is it garbage day? Do I need to put out the garbage? Do I need to organize recycling? Appointments. You know, remembering to book that dentist appointment that I
Still need to remember to book because it's been on my mind and I just haven't gotten to it yet. It's the finances, making sure that you are on top of your finances personally and professionally. Health. I mean, don't even get me started on health. I manage multiple chronic illnesses. And when I say manage, I mean like I'm I'm the manager of them. I have to remember to book those appointments, the follow-ups, getting the lab work done, going to the appointments, and when things don't work out.
That takes a whole other drain on me to make sure that appointments get rescheduled, that medication arrives on time, that all these things get done. And that is a lot to hold. It's a lot.
Teri Holland (07:11.874)
And the interesting thing about mental load is that so much of it is invisible. Nobody sees you remembering. Nobody sees you anticipating. Nobody sees you mentally rehearsing a difficult conversation or trying to figure out how you're going to fit everything into today or into this week. And that doesn't mean that you're not putting the effort in. And I think this is where we start to get into some trouble.
Because we judge our productivity by what we've accomplished, not by how much mental effort we've expended. We look at what we checked off on the to-do list and decide whether we've earned the right to be tired. But exhaustion, it's not a reward that you receive for completing enough tasks. Sometimes you're tired because you spent the entire day trying to keep track of everything. And sometimes you're tired because you've been doing it for weeks.
Months, maybe years even, maybe your entire life.
Teri Holland (08:17.176)
So let's get into a little bit of the psychology here. Our brains have a limited capacity for holding and manipulating information in working memory. Working memory is essentially the mental workspace we use to keep information available while we're thinking, solving problems, making decisions. And that workspace has limits. Now that doesn't mean that every unfinished task is literally sitting.
In your working memory all day. It's it's not. But when we're constantly switching between responsibilities, dealing with interruptions, trying to keep task or trying to keep track of unresolved issues, it can become harder to direct your attention to where you actually want it to go. And there's this concept in psychology called attention residue. Research by Sophie LaRoy has explored how when we switch from one task to another task.
Our attention doesn't make the transition as cleanly as we'd like.
Teri Holland (10:04.844)
Okay, let's get into a little bit of the psychology behind what we're talking about today. Our brains have a limited capacity for holding and manipulating information in working memory. Working memory is essentially the mental workspace that we use to keep information available while we're thinking, solving problems, or making decisions. And that workspace has limits.
Now that doesn't mean that every unfinished task is literally sitting in your working memory all day. But when you're constantly switching between responsibilities, dealing with interruptions like an urgent email that needs a response or a phone call you have to take, and trying to keep track of unresolved issues, it can become harder to direct your attention to where you actually want it to go.
There's a concept in psychology called attention residue. Research by Sophie LeRoy has explored how when we switch from one task to another task, our attention doesn't always make the transition as cleanly as we'd like. So part of our attention can remain attached to the previous task, particularly when we haven't been able to mentally disengage from it.
So imagine for a moment that you're working on something important, writing a client proposal, recording a podcast, or creating content, plotting out your next offer, setting up a sales funnel. And then a message comes in and you stop what you're doing and you respond. But that message reminds you about a client issue that you haven't resolved yet.
And that reminds you that you need to follow up on an invoice for another client, which reminds you that you haven't looked at next month's revenue projections. And suddenly you're sitting there, you're staring at the document that you were originally working on, and you're wondering what the hell you were trying to even say. Your attention has been pulled in so many different directions. And this is why constantly switching between tasks.
Teri Holland (12:27.018)
is so draining. There's also research on unfinished goals and tasks. And you might have heard of the I I don't know if I say this correctly, so bear with me if it's wrong. you might have heard of the the Zyg the Zygarnik. Zygargnik effect. Gosh, I hope I'm not saying I I have no idea how to say it.
You know when you read a word but you never actually hear it spoken and then you you're like, I don't know how to say this? Zygarnic, Zygarnik, something like that effect, which is often described as our tendency to remember unfinished tasks more readily than completed ones. So the research around unfinished tasks is more nuanced than the popular explanation suggests. But one useful idea is that unresolved commitments
Can continue to intrude our thoughts, especially if you don't have a clear plan for what happens next. So, okay, think about the difference between two situations. In the first situation, you know you need to send an important proposal, but you haven't decided when you're going to do it or what that next step is. The second scenario.
You've written down exactly what needs to happen and you schedule time to work on it tomorrow.
The task isn't finished in either situation. But in the second one, you've reduced some of the uncertainty. And that matters when it comes to mental load. Because one of the most exhausting parts of mental load isn't necessarily the amount of work. It's the constant feeling that there's something you should be remembering. Something you should be doing. Something
Teri Holland (14:24.363)
You might have forgotten.
And here's another important piece. Stopping work isn't the same as mentally disconnecting from work.
Listen, you can be sitting on your couch, watching TV and still mentally be in your business. I have been there many, many, many times. And you're thinking about tomorrow's meeting or next month's revenue, a conversation that you need to have, and the thing you said in an email that you're now overanalyzing of did I say that the right way? Your body is on the couch.
Your brain is still in your office working.
Which brings me to another point of something I think we need to talk more about, and that is the emotional side of mental load. Because not not everything we're carrying is a task. Sometimes we're just carrying too much responsibility.
Teri Holland (15:28.45)
Now, I want you to think about something here. Are you the person? Now I want you to think about something here. Are you the person who people come to when they need something figured out? Are you the one who always remembers the details, anticipates the problems, makes the decisions, keeps everything generally moving? Are you the person who's always hearing
I don't know what would do without you or I'm so I I would be so lost without you.
And maybe if we're being a little bit truthful, maybe part of you likes hearing that because it makes you feel validated, wanted, needed. Because being capable feels good. It's rewarding in and of itself. Being reliable feels good. Being the person who can handle things feels good.
And there's nothing inherently wrong with any of that. We want to be capable, we want to be reliable, we want to be able to handle things. But here's where it gets interesting. Sometimes being the responsible one stops being something we do and starts becoming who we believe we are. And when that happens, stepping back can be incredibly, incredibly uncomfortable.
Because we're not just letting go of a task. You're not just delegating your bookkeeping to someone. We're challenging an identity now. If I've always been the person who figures everything out, then who am I when I stop doing that? If I've always been the person that everyone can rely on, what happens when I say I can't do it? If I've built my self-worth around being useful.
Teri Holland (17:26.968)
What happens if I stop being useful for five minutes or five days?
And these aren't questions we're necessarily consciously asking ourselves, but beliefs about who we are and what makes us valuable can influence the decisions that we make. And as entrepreneurs, we are incredibly vulnerable to this because entrepreneurship rewards initiative, resourcefulness, and the ability to solve problems. That's what entrepreneurs do.
So in the beginning, you often have to do
Teri Holland (18:08.204)
In the beginning, you often have to do everything. You have to be resourceful. You have to figure everything out. You have to wear 17 different hats all the time. And those qualities can help you build something successful. But the qualities that helped you get started aren't the qualities that will help you sustain what you've built. At some point, being the person who does everything can become the very thing that prevents your business from growing.
And I think we need to make a very important distinction here. There's a difference between being responsible and feeling responsible for everything. Being responsible means taking ownership, ownership of your commitments, your decisions, and your behavior. Feeling responsible for everything.
means believing it's your job to prevent every problem, anticipate every need, and to make sure that nobody else experiences discomfort or disappointment. And these are two very, very different things. And if you're struggling with people pleasing, perfectionism, control, that second one can be very difficult to let go of.
Maybe you don't delegate because you believe that nobody else will do it right.
Maybe you're saying yes because you don't want to disappoint someone. Maybe you automatically step in when someone has a problem because watching them struggle makes you feel uncomfortable. Or maybe you're simply accustomed to being the person who handles things.
Teri Holland (19:57.709)
And now I want to be a little careful here. Because not everybody who's carrying too much is doing it because they have a control issue or a limiting belief or limiting decision. Sometimes you're carrying too much because the responsibilities genuinely aren't being fared, Shirley.
Teri Holland (20:19.66)
Sometimes you're caring too much because the responsibilities genuinely aren't being shared fairly.
Sometimes there just isn't enough support.
Sometimes the business is understaffed, the expectations are unreasonable. Or the people around you have become very comfortable just letting you manage everything because you always have.
And we shouldn't turn every structural problem into a personal mindset problem.
But we can examine the beliefs and the behaviors that influence what we continually accept. And one of the most useful questions that you can ask yourself is this. Am I doing this because it's my responsibility or because I'm uncomfortable with what might happen if I don't?
Teri Holland (21:13.666)
Because those are not the same thing.
Teri Holland (21:36.021)
Let's talk about resentment. Because I think resentment is one of the emotional consequences of mental load that really doesn't get enough attention. You know that feeling when someone asks you to do just one more little thing and it's not a big thing. It doesn't need to be a big thing. It's something that could take five minutes. But suddenly you feel irritated and you're thinking, are you effing kidding me?
Do I have to do absolutely everything around here? Are you not capable of doing that thing? And maybe your reaction feels disproportionate to the request. Because the request itself wasn't anything unreasonable. But you're not reacting to just one request. You're reacting to the accumulated weight of everything you've already been carrying.
It's mental equivalent of someone putting one more grocery bag in your arms when you've already been holding 12. And they're like, Can you just take this? Can you just take this one more thing? Can you just hold this? And the bag isn't particularly heavy, but you are at your capacity. And here's where it gets complicated.
Sometimes we resent people for recognizing
And here's where it gets complicated.
Teri Holland (23:01.142)
Sometimes we resent people for not recognizing work that we never made visible. We assume they should know how much we're doing. We assume they should notice what needs to be done. We assume they should understand why we're so exhausted. But other people don't have access to what's going on in our heads unless we tell them or we show them.
And now that's not excusing someone who's repeatedly avoiding their responsibilities. And it doesn't mean that you should have to provide an instruction manual for every basic adult responsibility that you're holding. I mean, that's just adding another thing to an already full pile. But it does mean that unspoken expectations can create conflict.
Teri Holland (23:58.093)
And there's another uncomfortable possibility that sometimes we say yes when we want to say no. We volunteer we volunteer when we're already overwhelmed. We take over when someone else could easily figure it out. And then we become resentful because we're doing too much. Now we've we've talked about boundaries on this show before. And here's something worth remembering.
A boundary is not simply hoping that people will stop asking things of you. Sometimes a boundary requires you to stop automatically agreeing. Sometimes it requires tolerating discomfort of someone else's disappointment. And it's not always easy. Especially if you have spent years, maybe your entire life, being the person who just always makes everything work.
But here's a question that I want you to sit with. Have you become so good at carrying everything that the people around you have stopped noticing how much you're carrying? And if the answer is yes, what needs to change?
Not just in the people around you, but in the expectations, the agreements, the systems, and the habits that have allowed this pattern to continue. Because resentment is often new information.
Teri Holland (25:35.308)
Because resentment is often information. It tells us that something about the current arrangement, it's not working anymore.
Teri Holland (25:47.618)
Well, that doesn't automatically mean that somebody else is wrong. It just means that something needs attention. And ignoring it is not gonna make it any better.
Teri Holland (26:02.828)
Now, here's something that I find fascinating. A lot of entrepreneurs are terrible at resting. And I'm not talking about taking a vacation and checking your email 17 times. Although, yeah, that is a part of it, and that's a problem. I'm talking about the inability to stop feeling like you should be doing something.
You finally have an afternoon with nothing scheduled. And instead of enjoying it, you start thinking about all the things that you could be doing instead. You could organize your files. you could be getting ahead on content or like batch creating content. You could clean out your inbox. You could finally tackle that project you've been putting off. You could update your website.
And suddenly your free time has become another opportunity for you to be productive. Like it's almost impressive how quickly we can turn relaxation into a performance metric. But why? Why do we do this? Well, for some people, it's because their sense of self-worth has become so tightly connected to productivity.
Being productive makes them feel accomplished, valuable, in control. And when they stop, they experience discomfort.
For others, the issue is ongoing stress or worry.
Teri Holland (27:38.74)
Even when for others the issue is ongoing stress or worry, even when they're physically resting, their attention keeps returning to unresolved problems.
Teri Holland (27:52.611)
Psychologists who study recovery from work talk about psychological detachment, essentially the ability to disengage from work during non-work time. And research has linked better psychological detachment with improved recovery and well-being. I mean, that seems like a no-brainer. If you can detach from it, you will recover better and you will feel better. But that doesn't mean that you should blame yourself either if you find it difficult.
Because sometimes you can't switch off your responsibilities because they haven't actually stopped. Sometimes you're dealing with real uncertainty. Sometimes there's health conditions or caregiving demands, financial pressure, or other circumstances that make recovery even more complicated.
But still, there's a really important question that we need to ask here. When you rest, are you actually allowing yourself to rest? Or are you spending your time feeling guilty about all the things that you're not doing? Because of every moment of rest comes with a running commentary about, I should be doing this, or I should be accomplishing more, or I should be using my time productively.
That it's worth examining your relationship to productivity. You don't have to earn rest by exhausting yourself first. And I can say this from first-hand experience. You don't need to justify rest. You don't need to justify it by being productive or having a sufficiently impressive list of accomplishments. Rest is a basic human need.
Rest is vital for high performance. It's not a bonus. It's not something you have to earn or achieve. It is vital for high performance.
Teri Holland (29:57.101)
Okay, so what are we doing with all of this? Because understanding why you're overwhelmed is useful, but understanding alone isn't going to change anything. And I'm not going to tell you that you need to buy a new planner. I'm not going to tell you that you need a new time management app. I mean, come on, if a planner could solve every problem in life, then I would have been an incredibly enlightened. Because because
Come on, if a planner could solve all of our problems, we would all be incredibly enlightened beings and we wouldn't have these problems. So instead, I want to give you a way of examining what you're already carrying.
So first, make the invisible visible and not just your to-do list. I want you to write down everything that you are mentally responsible for keeping track of. So the things that you're remembering, anticipating, the people you're following up with, the decisions you're postponing, the problems you're trying to prevent, the things that would not happen unless you remembered to make it happen. So get it out of your head and get it onto paper. Make it visible.
This isn't about making a bigger to-do list. It's about seeing the full extent of what you're carrying. Because it's difficult to change something if you haven't identified it. But once you see it, you might realize that some of these responsibilities don't belong to you. So get it all out. Get it out of your head. Get it onto paper where you can see it. Then the second part is you're going to look at the list and start asking questions. Is this
genuinely my responsibility? Is this something I've agreed to do? Is this something I've taken on because no one else was going to do it? Is this something I'm managing because I don't trust someone else to handle it?
Teri Holland (31:57.943)
And is this something that even needs to happen? Not everything on your mental list is equally important. Not everything needs your involvement. I mean, some things need to be done, some things need to be delegated, some things need to be renegotiated, and some things can simply be let go. Imagine that. I mean, really imagine that.
A task that doesn't need to be completed, doesn't need delegation, doesn't need optimization, or to be turned into a color-coded spreadsheet. It can just go away.
Teri Holland (32:40.674)
I mean that's a nice thought, isn't it?
Okay, now the third part is you're going to delegate ownership, not just the task. This is a big one. Because a lot of people think that they're delegating when they're actually just assigning individual steps, but they still have to remember everything that needs to happen. They still have to explain every detail. They still have to check the progress. They still have to remind that person. And then they have to inspect the finished result.
That is not going to reduce your mental load. It's just changing the type of work that you're doing.
Now, some oversight is appropriate, especially if you're training someone new or you're accountable for the outcome. But genuine delegation involves clarity around who owns responsibility.
Teri Holland (33:38.41)
What is the expected outcome? What decisions can that person make? What support do they need?
And how will you know the work is complete without constantly chasing it?
Teri Holland (33:55.885)
Okay, now number four is get comfortable with not immediately fixing everything. This might actually be the hardest one. So, especially if you're a natural problem solver. Someone comes to you with a problem and your instinct is to jump in. You have an idea, you have a solution. You know what needs to happen. And before you know it, you volunteered yourself for another responsibility.
So instead of immediately saying, I'll take care of it, ask what have you tried so far? Or what do you think the next step should be? Or simply who is responsible for handling this? And sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is allow another capable adult to solve their own problem. And that that doesn't mean that you withhold support from someone who genuinely needs it. It's just about recognizing that helping and taking over are not the same thing.
Okay, now the fifth thing is redefined what it means to be capable. This one's a big shift. Because if your identity has been built around being the person who can handle everything, then putting things down might feel like becoming less capable. But what if capability isn't about how much you carry? What if it's about knowing what deserves your attention? Knowing when to ask for help, knowing when to ask or
Knowing when to set a boundary, knowing when to let somebody else take responsibility, knowing when something is just good enough, and knowing when to stop.
So much.
Teri Holland (35:43.534)
You know, there's much more I think there's a much more sustainable definition of high performance here. Because so many people think that high performance isn't about
Teri Holland (36:00.642)
You know, I think here it's important that we define high performance because so many people think that high performance is about pushing through and always being at your hundred percent maximum capacity every single day. But your human nervous system was not wired for that.
High performance is really about creating the conditions that allow you to perform well, to make good decisions and sustain what you're building. And constantly operating at the edge of your capacity is not a good long-term strategy, and you will not be able to perform at your best for very long.
Teri Holland (36:43.99)
Okay, I want to leave you with a thought here before we finish up. Somewhere along the way, many of us learn that being capable means being able to handle everything, that success means being busy, that being reliable meant always being available, and that being valuable is about being needed. And what if none of those things have to be true?
What if you can be successful without being constantly overwhelmed? What if you can be reliable without being responsible for everyone else's problems? What if you can be ambitious without treating every waking moment as an opportunity to accomplish the next thing?
What if the thing you need most right now isn't another strategy for how to do more? What if it's just permission to carry less?
Teri Holland (37:44.717)
And I and I want to make this clear because I know some of you will be thinking, but Terry, in the last episode, you talked about building self-trust and you talked about the importance of following through. And I'm not saying here that you stop having responsibilities, that there are no real obligations in our lives, that there's no one actually depending on us. Because there are businesses to run, there are things that need to happen, there are bills to pay, there are commitments to honor and things that need our follow through.
And sometimes the load genuinely is too heavy.
But I do think it's worth examining which parts of that load are necessary, which parts can be shared, and which parts we've simply become accustomed to carrying. Because sometimes the most powerful change isn't learning how to manage everything better. It's recognizing that you don't have to manage everything in the first place. So here's the challenge this week.
I want you to identify one thing that you've been mentally carrying that you can put down. Maybe it's something you can delegate. Maybe it's an expectation to renegotiate. Maybe it's a problem you've been trying to solve for someone else and it's not your job to solve it. Maybe it's a belief that you have to be productive every moment of the day. Whatever it is, just start with the one thing.
And pay attention to what happens, not just to your schedule, but to how you feel.
Teri Holland (39:28.546)
Because just because you are capable of carrying it doesn't mean it's yours to carry. And you don't have to wait until you are completely exhausted to decide that something needs to change.
Teri Holland (39:45.304)
Thank you for joining me here today. If this episode resonated with you, if you got value out of it, share it with one other entrepreneur who needs to hear it.
And until next time, remember, success is not about what you accomplish. It's also about creating a life that you actually have the capacity to enjoy. All right. Thanks for being here, my friends. I will be back again next week. Bye for now.
