Teri Holland (00:07.062)
You know what is wildly underrated?
Keeping your word to yourself. You know, we talk a lot about confidence here. We talk about motivation, discipline, habits, consistency, goal setting, goal achievement. But I think this is something that we don't talk about nearly enough, and that is self-trust. One of the fastest ways to destroy self-trust is to.
Constantly negotiate with yourself. You decide you're going to do something, and then the negotiations begin. I'll start tomorrow. I'll do it next week. I'm really tired today. I'll do it when I feel more motivated. Maybe this isn't actually the right goal at all. Maybe I need to give it a little more thought. I need a better plan, a better strategy. I'll start on Monday.
And listen, sometimes you should change the plan. Sometimes you get new information. Sometimes your priorities genuinely change. Sometimes the thing that you committed to just no longer makes sense. Sometimes you're dealing with a chronic illness, something that I understand all too well. And suddenly all of those priorities, all of those commitments have to go out the window because health is once again taking a front seat in the
Vehicle of your life.
Teri Holland (01:45.422)
So that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is when you already know exactly what you need to do and you keep reopening the discussion because you just don't feel like doing it. There is a difference. And if you do this often enough, you will teach yourself something that my decisions don't actually mean anything at all. So welcome back to Success in Mind.
Today we're gonna talk about why you need to stop negotiating with yourself and how constantly renegotiating the commitments you make may be destroying your self-trust.
So think about something that you've been saying you're going to do. Maybe you're going to start working out. Maybe you're finally going to launch that podcast. Maybe you're going to start the new business or create that new offer. Make the sales calls. Post the content. Raise your prices. Have that conversation you've been avoiding for a long time. Set the boundary. Go to bed earlier. Stop checking your email at 11 o'clock at night.
Whatever it is, you make the decision. And in that moment, you mean it. This is what I'm doing.
And then the moment comes where you actually have to do the thing. And suddenly another version of you shows up. Apparently, this version of you also went to law school because they have arguments, they have evidence. They have a full 75-point bullet point, PowerPoint presentation explaining why today is the worst possible day in the history of humanity to actually begin doing the thing you said you were going to do.
Teri Holland (03:36.512)
And this is where most people think that they have a motivation problem, and you probably don't. In fact, I would argue that whatever you're doing instead of doing the thing, you're probably motivated to do that thing. Not the thing you need to do, not the thing you said you're going to do, but you're motivated to do the thing that you are doing instead. So if that is sitting on the couch watching hours of Netflix and not doing your laundry,
That means you're more motivated to sit on the couch watching hours of Netflix than you are to do the laundry. It's not a negoti or it's not, it's not a motivation issue. It's a negotiation issue. Because every time discomfort shows up, you reopen a decision you have already made. And I have seen this so, so, so many times in business networks that I'm in with clients.
with friends, with family, even in myself, I have seen this pattern so many times. And your brain is learning the pattern. This is why it matters. Your unconscious mind learns through consistent repetition. It notices patterns. So imagine that you repeatedly do this. You make the commitment. Discomfort shows up. You negotiate.
You let go of the commitment. You feel relief.
Commitment, discomfort, negotiation, letting go, relief. And if you do it often enough, over and over, what are you teaching your brain? You are teaching your brain that discomfort means stop.
Teri Holland (05:24.513)
You're also teaching yourself that your conditions you're also teaching yourself that your commitments are conditional.
Teri Holland (05:33.972)
I do what I said I was going to do, provided I still feel like doing it when the time comes. That's not that's not commitment. That's a preference, but it's not a commitment. And there's not and there's nothing wrong with preferences. Like, listen, on a hot, sunny, beautiful day, I would rather be outside exploring a park with my dogs, my husband, going out on the trails, walking. I can't even my god, I can't even believe I'm saying this.
Just on a quick side note, I actually started hiking this summer and I didn't I didn't hate it. I've always hated it before I didn't hate it. So on a nice beautiful day, I'd I'd rather be outside. Like, listen, it is a gorgeous fall day. I can see, I can look out my office window. for those of you watching the video version, it is like that's where I'm turning right now. I'm looking outside and I can see the trees changing leaves, and I would love to go explore the trails that I can literally see from my office window.
Right now with my dogs, but I'm not. I am here because I committed to recording this episode today. So I am here in my office doing this. Would I rather it be rainy outside? A hundred percent. I would rather be in my office when it's gross outside, so that I have no desire to be anywhere else.
But that's not commitment.
So stop calling something a commitment when it's something you're only willing to do when the conditions are favorable. Because those are very different things. Preferences and conditions. Preferences and commitments are very different things. So this is how self-trust gets built. You know, we tend to talk about self-trust like it's a feeling. I just, I just need to trust in myself more.
Teri Holland (07:28.171)
And I'm with you, I get that. But based on what? Trust requires evidence. I think about how you decide if you're going to trust another person. You probably, as you're getting to know someone, you probably look for patterns and clues in their behavior on to as to whether or not this person is worthy of your trust. So you probably look for things like, do they do they do what they say they're going to do?
When they say they're going to do it. I mean, that's the easiest the easiest way to start gauging if you can trust somebody. If someone tells you that they're going to be there at two and they show up at two and they consistently do that. They show up when they say they're going to show up, you begin to build trust with them. Now, if they continually make promises and don't follow through, eventually you stop believing them. So if they always say they're going to show up and they don't, you
It doesn't make them very trustworthy. You know, my business partner, Yhal and I, we run a networking group, Zero Fluff Networking, and we run events now twice a month where we gather business owners and and have a really amazing discussions with them. So we do this twice a month. We cap our table at 15 people, and we do that strategically, by the way.
But that also means that sometimes people sign up to attend and then they just don't show up. Now we get that life happens, but the ones who we appreciate are the ones who let us know. Even even if it's like the hour before, they just send a message and say, Hey, something came up. I'm sorry I won't be able to make it today. Whatever it is. But the ones that surprise me are the ones who just don't show up, who take a spot at the table and then
don't actually appear. And what these people may not realize, and and this isn't me calling anyone out, by the way, but what people need to realize is that people pay attention. Yeah, Helena I pay attention to who shows up at our table. we pay attention who to who buys a ticket and doesn't show up and doesn't let us know.
Teri Holland (09:48.46)
So think about not only how this diminishes trust with yourself, but other people notice your behaviors. So how many times have you said, this time, I'm really going to do it? This week, I'm really going to start at the gym. this month, I'm really, I'm really going to hit my sales target. And then you didn't. You didn't do the things necessary in order to achieve it.
So eventually a part of you stops believing that you'll do it. And then people wonder why they don't feel confident when they set a goal. Why every January comes around and you start feeling like, well, I'd like to set some goals, but you know what? I didn't follow through on last year's or the year before or the year before. And in fact, I can't even remember the last time that I set goals that I actually followed through on. So I'm just not going to bother doing that because goal setting doesn't work.
It's not that goal setting doesn't work. It's that you don't do it. You're just not doing it. And your brain is starting to think, yeah, well, we've heard this before. Every week she says Monday, I'm going to go to the gym. And every week she doesn't go. So we're just not going to bother. We just won't listen anymore. Self-trust isn't built by saying nice affirmations in the mirror and saying, I fully trust myself. No, you don't.
Trust is built through evidence. You have to first build the evidence and the trust will follow. It's not about just believing in yourself. It's about becoming a person whose word means something to you.
Teri Holland (11:34.914)
Now I want to make a very important distinction here because I can already I can already hear somebody listening to this and saying, but Terry, shouldn't we be flexible? Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely, you should be flexible. Behavioral flexibility is incredibly important. In fact, it's one of the principles that I teach when I teach success. Like literally, when I teach people how to be more successful, one of the principles is
Behavioral flexibility. That if something isn't working, you change it. Behavioral flexibility has great influence on a system. In fact, the person who has the greatest behavioral flexibility is the person who will have the greatest influence on any system, on any communication, on any group. So something isn't working, you change the approach. If circumstances change, you adapt. If you get new information, use it.
That's intelligent flexibility. But behavioral flexibility does not mean that felt uncomfortable, therefore this plan is completely wrong. Those are not the same. Those are not the same at all. Having behavioral flexibility
Is wisdom. Changing course is sometimes wisdom. But sometimes changing course is avoidance wearing a very convincing disguise. And then you think, hmm, this just doesn't quite feel right anymore. I'm not going to go through with it. But you need to know the difference between the two, between actual flexibility and avoidance.
So has something, this is this is a question to ask yourself. Has something actually changed? Or am I just uncomfortable? Because discomfort is not new information. Fear isn't necessarily new information. Boredom, not new information. Not feeling motivated is not new information. Sometimes you simply just don't want to do the thing. And you're allowed to not want to do it. But spoiler alert.
Teri Holland (13:53.703)
You can do things you don't feel like doing.
I know, mic drop moment. You can do things you don't feel like doing. This is one of the greatest perks of being an adult.
So stop asking yourself how you feel about it. This is one of the biggest changes you can make, by the way, is to just stop asking yourself if you feel like doing something once you've already decided to do it. Because why are we taking a vote? Who's driving the bus? Is it you or is it is it something else? Because if you are a business owner, I would hope that you are driving the bus, that you are the decision maker and you hold yourself accountable. The decision was made.
Imagine you have an appointment with a client at ten o'clock tomorrow morning. At nine thirty, do you sit on your couch and ask, Do I feel inspired?
To see this client today.
Teri Holland (14:57.709)
Probably not. I I certainly hope not anyway. It's in the calendar. You said you would be there. So you go to the appointment. But when the appointment is with ourselves, suddenly everything is negotiable. And this is especially important for business owners. Because nobody is coming to make you do it. There is no boss standing over you. There's
Nobody who's gonna make sure that you sent the email. No one cares if you didn't make the offer. Nobody cares if you record the podcast or not. You can spend an entire Tuesday morning reorganizing your Canva and you can call it work if you want. That's a danger. Freedom without self-leadership is chaos.
So, one of the simplest strategies that I use with my clients is something I call deciding once. There are certain decisions that you don't need to make every day. If you decided you're going to publish a podcast episode every week, you don't need to wake up every Monday and decide whether you're a person who publishes a podcast. You already decided. Now you execute the decision. If you decided you're going to work out three days a week, you don't need to hold a board meeting every Tuesday.
And discuss whether or not you are going to continue. You already decided. This eliminates so much mental energy. Because decision fatigue is real. And sometimes we create our own decision fatigue by continually reopening decisions that should already be closed. I mean, imagine, for those of you with with kids, you know this, like how exhausting it is to constantly
Have to renegotiate with your child every single day on getting dressed, on eating their food, on cleaning up after themselves, putting their toys away, bath time, bedtime. You are if you are a parent, you're already doing enough of this. You don't need to do it with yourself.
Teri Holland (17:08.877)
So just decide. Just decide. And then stop renegotiating unless something meaningful changes.
Now, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, great, apparently I don't trust myself. Thanks, Terry. Don't turn this into another reason to beat yourself up. Just start creating evidence. And start smaller than you think you need to. Because people love making enormous commitments when they're feeling motivated, because it's easy to commit when you're motivated. I'm gonna start working out six days a week. No, you're not.
Not if you haven't worked out once this year, you're probably not going to start going six days a week. Maybe start with two. I'm going to post on Instagram every single day. But if currently you're posting every 20 days and only when Mercury is in retrograde and you suddenly remember that Instagram exists, then maybe start with two days a week or three days a week. Make promises you can keep.
And then keep them. Because every time you are following through, you are casting a vote for your new identity. You are saying, I am someone who does what I say I'm going to do. And that identity starts to become more believable because now you have evidence, you have proof that yes, you do the things that you say you're going to do. Your word needs to mean something.
Listen, high performance is not about operating at maximum capacity every second of your life because that's not high performance. That's just a nervous breakdown waiting to happen with a productivity app. High performance is about being able to consistently access the behaviors that create the results that you want. And part of that is being able to rely on yourself.
Teri Holland (19:08.769)
You don't need perfect discipline, you don't need perfect habits, you don't need to become a robot, and you don't need to rely on motivation to pull you through. Your word just needs to mean something to you, especially to you. So here's what I want you to think about this week. Where are you currently negotiating with yourself about something you've already decided? What's the decision you keep reopening?
And is there actually new information, or did it just get uncomfortable? If there's new information, adapt. Change the strategy, change the timeline, change the goal if you need to. That's behavioral flexibility. But if nothing has changed except how you feel in that moment, then maybe the decision doesn't need another discussion. Maybe it just needs action. Because here's the thing.
Feelings change moment to moment. You can't run a successful business based on how you feel moment to moment. That's not consistency. That is not behavioral flexibility. And that is not a success strategy. You just need to take action and execute on what you've already said you would do.
Teri Holland (20:30.081)
You know, there's something really powerful about knowing that if I tell myself I'm going to do something, I can trust myself to follow through. That's true confidence. That's not the loud kind, that's not the performative kind, that's not arrogance disguised as confidence.
That kind of confidence comes from having evidence that you can rely on yourself. So stop making big, grandiose promises to yourself and just make better ones. Keep them. And stop negotiating with the version of you who suddenly appears the moment things feel uncomfortable. She doesn't need another meeting. She already knows the decision.
Just go do the thing. And if this episode made you immediately think of something that you've been avoiding, congratulations. Now you know what to do. Go do the thing. I will see you next week on Success in Mind, my friends. And if this episode inspired you, if made you think a little differently, then make sure you leave a five-star review and send it to one friend who you think would benefit. All right. Thank you so much.
I'll be back again next week. Bye for now, my friends.
