Teri Holland (00:22.27)
Most of us are terrified of rejection. We spend our lives trying to get into the right room, the VIP sections, the boardrooms, the inner circle, in with the cool kids. But I've realized lately that the real danger isn't in being locked out. The real danger is getting stuck inside a room where you should have left years ago.
the room you've outgrown. If you're the smartest, most successful, or the most together person in the circle, that's not winning. That's a state of emergency. So today we're gonna do a radical audit on every room you stand in, from your friend groups to your business network. We're gonna talk about why your loyalty is killing your potential and how to spot the crabs in your bucket.
and why you can never be the prophet in your own hometown.
Teri Holland (01:30.326)
Okay, let's talk about why your day ones hold you back. There's an ancient bit of wisdom that says a prophet is never honored in his own hometown. And in business and life, the people who knew you when you were nobody often have the hardest time seeing you as who you are today. They don't see your growth. They see only your history.
And because they're anchored to your past, they will unconsciously try to pull you back into that version of yourself that makes them feel comfortable. They want you to be the person that they knew back then. And in order to reach your highest potential, you have to go where no one knows who you used to be. So you can finally be who you actually are. You need to stop asking permission.
from the people who only remember your mistakes, who only remember where you came from. And you also need to stop expecting them to come with you because most of them aren't going where you're going.
So how do you know when you're in the right place? Well, you run a room audit. Every space that you inhabit, your office, your Sunday brunch group, your WhatsApp groups, falls into one of four categories. So as I go through these, I want you to really think about which categories do your groups fit into. So number one is the echo chamber. Everyone agrees with you here. Everyone laughs at your jokes.
It feels safe, but it's also where your ambition goes to atrophy. This might be your group chat. This might be your Instagram followers. This might be the people you're connected with on Facebook.
Teri Holland (03:23.512)
So think about where are you finding yourself in an echo chamber? Because there's no growth here. It's comfortable, but you can't grow in an echo chamber because you'll never be exposed to ideas that aren't yours, that aren't aligned with you. And while that might sound like a good thing, you might think, well, Terri, I only want to be around people who are aligned with me. How will that ever challenge your thinking?
I think we have a big problem in today's world where we find ourselves in a lot of echo chambers online where everybody agrees. And if everyone agrees and you're never exposed to a counter view, how will you ever grow or stretch?
The one is the waiting room. You're there because of history. You have nothing in common anymore except your past. And you're just passing time until you are brave enough to leave there. These might be your old school friends. This could be old work friends. Maybe these are the parents.
of kids that your kids grew up with and at one time you had something in common, your kids were in the same activities, but now those kids are grown up and you're still connected in the same social circle but you really have no connection with them. And in these circles you will find yourself continuously talking about the good old days, the past, because there's nothing in the present worth talking about. There's no connection to your present reality.
Now the third one is the comparison pit. This is the toxic room. You aren't inspired here. In this room, you are jealous. You're performing. You're not growing. And in this room, everything feels like a competition. You don't have friends here. You have competitors. You might find this in some of your business circles.
Teri Holland (05:31.544)
And then the fourth one is the greenhouse. Now this one is the goal. It's slightly uncomfortable. You might find that you are the smallest person there, but the air is different here. People are talking about ideas, not people. There's no competition here.
This is where growth happens. These are the people who are going to inspire you to improve, to change, where the bar is automatically set higher. And just by entering into this space, into these conversations, you are expected to level up. So if you aren't in a greenhouse, you aren't growing. You're just maintaining.
Now in business, a bad room is an opportunity cost. I've been in rooms where the biggest topic of conversation was how to save $50 on a software subscription or what software can you get away with using for free? I've also been in rooms where the topic was how to invest your money to grow it to seven figures and beyond.
One room is teaching you how to survive and the other teaches you how to scale and grow.
So if you're still arguing about the price of a coffee, while the people in the right room are discussing the equity in the coffee shop, you're probably in the wrong room. You're probably in the wrong building at this point.
Teri Holland (07:04.184)
So what are the conversations that are happening around you when you are in these circles, when you are talking with your friends, when you're out for coffee, when you're at your book club, when you're in that networking group, what are the conversations that are happening? Are they the right conversations? Are they conversations that are going to inspire your growth? Or are they complaining about the cost of real estate? Are they complaining about the cost of their coffee?
What is the conversation like?
So you don't rise to the level of your goals, you will sink to the level of your surroundings. Your environment has one of the biggest impacts on your growth and development and whether or not you achieve your goals. You need to be in an environment for growth because your five people that you spend the most time with, they are secretly writing your paycheck. And we're going to talk a little more about those five people.
And when you start looking for an exit, maybe you've identified that you don't belong in some of these rooms anymore. The people in the current room aren't necessarily going to cheer for you. You know, have you ever been crab fishing? I have not, but I have heard about crab fishing and a crab fisherman will never put just one crab in a bucket because that crab is going to climb its way out and save itself.
So they always put at least two crabs in the bucket because as one starts to climb up, the other one will pull it back down. And if you put 10 in there, no one is getting out.
Teri Holland (08:49.066)
everyone stays in the bucket because the bucket is unperceived as safe and we want everyone to stay here in our bucket but we know the bucket is not safe. Those crabs are not getting out of there alive.
So think about your social circles. Think about your business network. Are you surrounded by a bunch of crabs who are holding you down and keeping you at the level you're at?
Teri Holland (09:16.236)
Your growth is a mirror that reflects their stagnation. And people can find that very confronting. When they see you starting to grow and reach for new higher levels of success, they'll start to pull you back in. And your job is to not mistake their claws on your ankles for support. And sometimes people in these groups, they might think they're giving you a push up, they're giving you a boost.
and really they're pulling you back in and you need to know the difference. And some people, well, many people just don't want you to win because your win makes their excuses invalid. So it's time to let go of the bucket.
Teri Holland (10:06.04)
So how do you leave? How do you begin to leave these groups? If you identified that these are not groups you should be in any longer, how do you begin to exit? How do you leave without burning the building down? Well, you don't need a breakup speech. You just need to shift your boundaries and to be really clear.
And sometimes these people, might ask you, how come you're not coming around anymore? They might say to you, you know, you've changed. In fact, I encountered this. I've encountered this a few times, but the time that always stands out to me is after I'd completed a full summer of my NLP training, where I'd become an NLP trainer and a hypnosis trainer. And I spent nine weeks immersed in this world of training and development.
And when I came out of that training, I was not the same person who went in. I was a much different person. And within just a couple weeks of coming home, I lost my three closest friendships, just gone. And they all said the same thing, you've changed, you're different. They were talking behind my back amongst each other. And the conversation was, Terry's different, Terry has changed. And...
those friendships disappeared so fast. It almost gave me whiplash how quickly they just disappeared. So here are some things that you can say. If you're in that moment and if people are saying to you, you've changed, you're different, I mean, you could simply just say, I hope so. I hope I've changed. And if you want to say a little more than that, you could use this line, and this is the pivot.
You could say, I'm entering a season where I have to be protective of my focus. I'm going monk mode on this project so I won't be around as much. Right? Valid. You're just saying that you're focusing. You're focusing, you're putting your head down, you're getting to work. There's also the redirect. And you could say, I'm intentionally seeking rooms where I'm the least experienced person so I can close my knowledge gaps.
Teri Holland (12:22.444)
And a word, I mean, put it into your words, what feels comfortable for you to say, but that's just to give you a framework of some responses. I'm personally a big fan of just saying, I hope so. When someone says you've changed, I hope so. You owe your future self the courage to be the new kid again, to be in the rooms where you are challenged, where you are encouraged to grow, where you get real support, where you're not being pulled down.
You owe yourself to be the person who has the most questions and not the most answers.
Teri Holland (12:55.638)
You know, we're all familiar or I think we're all familiar with the.
Teri Holland (13:09.282)
I think we're all familiar with the quote, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. This is a biological certainty. This is not just a nice quote or an idea. This is a certainty. Your brain has mere neurons designed to help you survive by blending in with the crowd. So your inner five, the five people you're closest to, if they are constantly complaining about the economy, guess what?
you're going to find reasons why you don't have money, why you're broke. If your inner five are obsessed with scaling their impact, you'll find yourself hitting the whiteboard to come up with new ideas without even trying. So look at, and here's where we want to do a little audit. Look at your five closest friends. Do they have the kind of money you want to have or the kind of money you're aspiring to?
How's their fitness? Do they take care of their health? Are they prioritizing their wellbeing? How are their mindsets? Are they always negative and complaining and in constant victim mode? Or are they looking for opportunities for how to improve their situation? And if you don't want the average of their bank accounts, their fitness level, their mindset, their success, their relationships, if you don't want the average,
You are in the wrong room.
And you might think, well, maybe I can be a positive influence on them. You aren't influencing them. I will guarantee that you aren't influencing them as much as their collective weight is anchoring you down.
Teri Holland (15:11.32)
So I want you to do something uncomfortable today. I want you to look at your last five text threads or group chats.
Or look at the last five events you've been to and ask yourself, did I have to shrink myself to fit into that space? If you had to dim your light so that you didn't make them feel insecure, that is not your room. That's a cage, but it's not your room. You want to find a room where you're too much is just enough for them. It's the right fit.
And it's going to be lonely for a minute while you transition, I promise you that. But I also promise you that the view from that next level is worth that lonely walk.
So hope this was of value to you today. I hope you're able to look at the rooms you're in, the circles that you're in, and really evaluate are these the circles you want to continue moving in. Thanks for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure you share it with one person who you know is outgrowing their surroundings.
So until next time, and I will see you in the next room. Thanks for listening, my friends. Bye for now.
